Go to places where the people are. Not the famous ones, but the ones who will be famous thirty years from now. And hang out with them.

So, this conversation is happening in the comments, and it's a pretty interesting question, so maybe we can all work together to make a How to Make Friends post?

My local board game shop is SUPER friendly. I'm very lucky. Every single person here is friends with everyone else because we all invite people into games and ask to join games at will. I didn't make it like that - in fact, I have pretty bad anxiety.

But somebody DID make it that way! A handful of friendly people started it. The shop owners were definitely the ones who fostered the community the most, but the patrons are the reason it worked.

It turns out that if you have just a few people who are friends with each other and feel secure enough not to feel to anxious, they can make it so everyone feels welcome. We have a guy here who is The Friendly One, and every time we notice a new person, we walk him over and he introduces himself, asks how they're doing, asks what kinds of games they like, etc. And the mere fact that one person is like that kind of gives the rest of us permission, too, so it's not as awkward.

We also are all super down to spectate, just walk up to a random table and say "do you mind if I watch?" If the guys playing say yes, you watch for a bit, and you might end up having a conversation with one and Boom, you have Made a Friend. Usually at least one person at the table will answer questions about the game, and talk about how it's going. If it doesn't click, though, and you just feel awkward, you can move on to the next table.

So, that's my big advice:

1) Once you have enough friends to feel comfortable and secure, remember that you can be the one who makes your community better.

2) If you have an excuse to talk to people, even if it's a dumb thing like watching a board game, you might accidentally end up making friends.

It took me a long time to learn this!

Anyone else have some additions?

As an adult, socially awkward and somewhat anxious (though better than I used to be!) I have only successfully made friends in two ways:

1. Reconnect with someone or meet someone new at a party hosted by an existing friend / relative / co-worker

This may seem counter to the question in the post. But, I have to admit “meet people through events hosted by other people I already know, however distantly” has had the most consistent success. 

Maybe the takeaway there is, if a friendly acquaintence invites you to a party, and your nervous because you’re not that into parties, go anyway. Someone else at the party (who also finds parties a bit overwhelming) will also likely step into a quieter room, or mosey out onto the porch. Strike up a conversation with that person. 

2. Become an arts + culture journalist.

Fun fact: there is literally no minimum licensing requirement to be an arts and culture journalist! You can literally post interviews on your tumblr or website. Voila: you’re a journalist. 

I have no idea why this worked, or if it will work for anyone else. But, for some reason, walking up to someone who looks cool at an event, introducing myself as a ~journalist~ and asking them questions, is way easier than walking up to that exact same person, at that exact same event, and introducing myself as, well, just myself, looking for someone to talk to. 

I have at least two genuine friends I first met by interviewing them at a music festival and a gallery opening (respectively). They were just other attendees. I think it also helps that people are flattered to be asked their opinion about an event. Starting with a compliment helps. 

Feel free to replace “Arts + Culture” with “Gaming” or “Sports” or whatever your thing is. The key is:

• Being “a journalist” feels less vulnerable than being “yourself”
• You have permission to ask any question that interests you
• If the vibe is good, nobody is offended if you ask to trade numbers later

Or, if asking for someone’s number is too anxiety-inducing, ask them which upcoming events they recommend attending / might be attending themselves. Maybe you’ll run into them again, or at least gather a better sense of the scene that.

Tangent - Joining Groups Hasn’t Worked for Me In The Past

For what it’s worth, I have had very little luck forming friendships by attending activity-based events as a participant (i.e. tabletop games club, trivia night, community art class). I don’t know; I don’t do well when my early interactions with someone require me to perform in any way. 

If I’m worried about doing badly at the task, it makes me too nervous. I don’t really get to know people, and I feel embarrassed more than I feel relaxed. 

Whereas pretending to be being a journalist, I’m in a role with no set performance expectations. I suppose I could be bad at the task of interviewing? But since people seem pleasantly surprised that I’m interviewing them at all, the vibe mostly stays good.

Plus, it lets me get to the part of making friends I enjoy the most - getting to know people’s contradictions + complex internal selves - without having to do nearly as much personal revelation on my end. It’s fun! It’s like a shortcut out of social anxiety.